Summer 2013
To sum this summer up in a measly blog post would not begin to touch the impact these last few months have had on my heart. I think it is safe to say that God completely changed my life this summer. Completely is a big word, yes. I think in the beginning of June I didn't know what to expect. I was finishing the hardest year of high school and was not doing so fabulous. I knew that I had three "Vacations" in store for the summer but, in all honesty I didn't know how my heart would be after all of them. I learned so much this summer.
Here's a few key things that I can honestly say God reminded/taught me this summer:
1. God is GOOD.
He is always good. There is no bad part of Him. He is always the provider and He always loves. This summer I found His love once again. His perfect never failing love surrounded me as I was away from home, in a foreign country and especially in these last few weeks where I just don't know what the next step will be. If you haven't felt this love, you are missing out majorly. Love is so good.
2. Friends are so important.
My first vacation was to the Smokey Mountains with Waverly campus life. I spent a week enjoying God's beautiful creation with some awesome friends. Mainly my two big sisters Kelly and Katie. They are such blessings in my life. I really can't explain how thankful I am that God placed these two girls in my life at just the right time. I can definitely say that my big sisters are so much cooler than yours.
This summer I also watched two of my closest friends go off to college. These boys are Blake and Judah. Blake is only an hour and a half away and Judah is a good fourteen hours away. Goodbyes are so hard. But, God is so good. The bonds that I have made are so much thicker than distance so I have no worries that I will continue to stay friends with both of these cats. I do miss them both so much though. Life is different without them home.
3. Mission trips are life changing.
Well, we all know this is something that I live for. I have told many that I have no doubt in my heart that when God made me, He made me for missions. In July I was severely reminded of that fact. I can't even explain how wonderful One Nation One Day was. I always go on trips expecting to be a vessel. I want God to use me in a way He has never before and through me I want Him to change lives. I always expect my life to be changed as well but this time it was different. My heart was and still is so full because of the ways God changed me that week. Mainly though a small girl named Mirale. I don't know if it's right to say that one moment of impact changed my life that week but, I don't really care. It did. That one long hug, conversation and staring into the eyes of a broken 10 year old soul wrecked me. The definition of "Wrecked" is any building, structure or thing reduced to the state of ruin. That is what my heart felt as tears fell down my face and I felt her pain. I think for a moment God showed me a small fraction of the hurt He feels when his child hurts. It was something I didn't know how to handle any other way than to cry out to Jesus. When Mirale gave her heart to daddy God and said " I will never forget this day, I never thought it would come." I knew that statement was true for me as well. That one moment of impact was worth it. It was worth all of the fundraising, the stress and the faith put into going to Honduras that week. There were many other moments that made my week wonderful but that one beats them all. It was better than emceeing, laughing with friends, long bus rides, and anything else I could think of. God is so good. One thing my youth pastor always says is "I encourage EVERY teenager to go on a foreign missions trip before they graduate high school." and I completely agree. There is no excuse not to. Just do it. GO. You won't regret one second.
4. God knew what He was doing when He placed you in the family that you belong to.
I learned this summer that my family is the most valuable thing I have here on earth. I just love my family so much. My family is no where near perfect. We are a group of weirdos that love to make stupid jokes and scream at eachother. We also find it super fun to not plan things and never answer our phones. There may be many things I can complain about but, the good things definitely outweigh the bad. Growing up is hard because at moments I think that I am going to lose my family just like i'm going to lose so many friends. But, that's what is great. No matter where I go I know I can always come back home. (sorry, i know it's cheesy) I can always come home to my mama and give her slobbery kisses and cuddles. ( yup, I don't care how gross that sounds) I can always count on Makenzie to treat me like crap, laugh real hard with me and occasionally get into physical fights with me. I can always count on Mark to be there with his jokes, make us all mad and be the best step dad known to man. Ryan is always there to be my homie and secret keeper. (sometimes) and Blaine....I don't know how to describe him. Everyone knows that he is my favorite. (I don't love him anymore than the others though) He is my best friend, my twin and my strong army man always ready for battle. He loves his Jesus and occasionally says a curse word (no, I don't approve but i'm just being honest). My aunts, uncles and cousins too! My grandparents too. I can't explain it. Especially my Grama Lorie. That woman is for sure my best friend. I guess where I am going with this is that family is a good thing. I have had my ups and downs with each one of them but at the end of the day these are the people who i can count on to always pick me up. I love them more than anything.
5. Enjoy now.
One good thing to remember as you go through your day is the moments you are living right now will never be replicated. No matter what. I think a lot of the times and even now I focus on my future or my past. Those two things are out of reach. If you really think about it, tomorrow will never really happen because by the time it gets here you will be calling it today. Trippy right? I have begun to grasp the fact that everything I have right now, in this moment, will be different soon. Soon I will be off to college and living a life I can't even begin to imagine and the things I find comfort in will be far away. So, this summer (mainly in the last month) I have started to embrace everything. All the hugs and slobbery kisses from my most favorite man, Blaine. The gross "kisses" from my not so young puppy Phoebe. The laughs from my mama. The long talks with my best friend, Katie. The conversations with the person I love. Everything. Even down to packing my backpack tonight for my very last first day of school. It's all something worth taking in. Embrace the moments you live in now because they will never ever be there again. Sure, you can revisit the place that your first kiss, first laugh, last kiss or last laugh happened in. But, that moment is gone. A memory worth embracing.
6. Being vulnerable is beautiful.
This one is a tough one for me to write about. Since forever basically I remember being so guarded. In every relationship and friendship I have ever had I have always been afraid of being hurt. I couldn't fathom the idea of someone loving me simply for who I am, especially with the past I have and the mistakes I have made and make. I couldn't imagine ever having someone who would bring out the best in me and make me want to do better. I definitely couldn't imagine someone loving me enough to care, I mean GENUINELY care, about my feelings and emotions. I couldn't even imagine someone loving me for my personality, weirdness or anything besides my body, really. And one last thing I never imagined was that love would be a good thing. Other than love from family, God and basically only my best friend, I didn't really believe it was anything to get pumped about. Love is where being vulnerable comes in. Being in love or even just loving people means being vulnerable and downright honest. I never liked being vulnerable. But, this summer...I guess i'll just be honest and say I fell in love. Completely head over heels, 120%, makes you feel like a girl (cue Demi Lovato song) LOVE. It just so happened to be with someone who meets all of those standards I said I couldn't imagine. He's great. Some of you know who he is and some don't. For those who don't, i'm terribly sorry you don't have this awesome guy as a friend. Hopefully one day you'll meet him! :)
7. Taylor Swift is a tear-jerker.
Every single time I listen to "Never Grow Up" by the one and only T-Swift I cry. If I don't cry my eyes get watery and I can't speak because of the knot in my throat. I discovered that song this summer and it became my song to Blaine. Listen to it. Cry with me. haha, it's really a good song. But, trust me. If you are anything like me you will sob.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pOlOg6V-Is
8. Take a step of faith.
College. It's something that over my junior year I hated the idea of. Mind you, this was also my slacker year but still. I hated it and only wanted to be at the destination. The destination I had in mind was a cute little orphanage in the mountains of Guatemala raising my sons and daughters to be Godly people and to change their country. Yes, I still love that destination. I long for my destination. But, this summer God reminded me of the journey. The journey in between start and end. The journey that I so want to oversee and skip on by like it never existed. But, that's not how God works. I think God works in our hearts (or my heart) best during the journey. So, I guess I can say i'm kind of excited for the journey as long as Jesus is by my side the whole way. I think college is just a step that I must take. God is going to use those 3-4 years to change my heart more. I have faith in it. I have little or no faith in myself though. My steps are absolutely useless unless directed by Him. That's why I will listen.
So far I have applied at Oral Roberts university in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm pretty excited about it. Anxious is also a fabulous word to describe how I feel about it. I know that it's in my Daddy's hands though. He knows what He is doing.
9. Forgiveness
While I was in Honduras I received a text from my aunt telling me that my biological dad was released from prison. This my friends, was a complete shock to me. This is the same man who had been incarcerated since I was three years old. He also was released eight years early. I will be honest and say I was absolutely furious. I even had to take a moment alone and talk out loud to God saying something along the lines of "WHY?" and "Take this anger away because we have church tonight" lol. No one wants to be upset on a missions trip. I felt like a zombie for a few hours. I didn't know how to handle myself. I remember crying, literally sobbing, out to my Daddy in heaven that night during our group debriefing. I also remember giving my uncle Mingo, one of the biggest father figures I have, a big hug and trying not to cry. I didn't want to be vulnerable again. This man who the USA thought it would be okay to release had hurt me many many times. Never physically, just emotionally. We really never got along. A few weeks after coming home from Honduras I received Facebook messages every day and night from this man. He would apologize in almost every message. I still turned a cold shoulder on him. I thought " what has he done to deserve my forgiveness and my presence in his life?". Finally while sitting in an old van with a close friend talking about my real dad and telling about how pathetic these messages were my friend said something along the lines of "Maybe you should give him a chance if he is trying this hard." I don't know why I listened to this friend but that day I called Toby aka my dad. We of coarse did not get along. But, I forgave him. I forgave him for everything he had done. Now, we do get along. I can honestly say i'm glad to have him in my life. It's something that has been missing for the past 17 years. Dads are good things.
And last but not least...
10, Listen.
If I were dying and I had to give one last piece of advice before I took my last breath I would say something along the lines of this paragraph.
Listen to God. He always knows what He is doing. He loves you more than anyone else. He created your heart and knows what you love. He wants the best for you. He wants to be the lover of your soul. If you don't listen to Him you are going to die unhappy. Just do it. He loves you. Listen to that "still small voice" when your world is way too loud.
Listen to your parents. One thing that has always been a struggle for me. Growing up with a teen mom and everyone treating me like I was a grown adult at the age of four didn't teach me the best listening skills. But, It's worth taking the time to learn. Your parents also know you and want the best for you. They may sound SOOO dumb at times but in the end they will be right. If they happen to be wrong (which they probably never will be) NEVER say I told you so.
Listen to people. Proverbs basically says it over and over again. James 1:19 says "Know this my beloved brothers; let every person be QUICK TO HEAR, slow to speak and slow to anger." Seriously just shut up. I have to remind myself of this sooooo much. Just be quiet. You don't matter right now. Listen to people as they speak. Who knows you might be able to encourage them, or relieve their stress by being a listening ear. It's not your turn and when it is...PLEASE think before you speak. Idiots are no fun to listen to.
Well, there you have it. I could write about 10-15 more big things I learned this summer but I'm sure this was enough. This summer was the best one yet and I can only hope they get better from here. :)
Here's a few key things that I can honestly say God reminded/taught me this summer:
1. God is GOOD.
He is always good. There is no bad part of Him. He is always the provider and He always loves. This summer I found His love once again. His perfect never failing love surrounded me as I was away from home, in a foreign country and especially in these last few weeks where I just don't know what the next step will be. If you haven't felt this love, you are missing out majorly. Love is so good.
2. Friends are so important.
My first vacation was to the Smokey Mountains with Waverly campus life. I spent a week enjoying God's beautiful creation with some awesome friends. Mainly my two big sisters Kelly and Katie. They are such blessings in my life. I really can't explain how thankful I am that God placed these two girls in my life at just the right time. I can definitely say that my big sisters are so much cooler than yours.
This summer I also watched two of my closest friends go off to college. These boys are Blake and Judah. Blake is only an hour and a half away and Judah is a good fourteen hours away. Goodbyes are so hard. But, God is so good. The bonds that I have made are so much thicker than distance so I have no worries that I will continue to stay friends with both of these cats. I do miss them both so much though. Life is different without them home.
3. Mission trips are life changing.
Well, we all know this is something that I live for. I have told many that I have no doubt in my heart that when God made me, He made me for missions. In July I was severely reminded of that fact. I can't even explain how wonderful One Nation One Day was. I always go on trips expecting to be a vessel. I want God to use me in a way He has never before and through me I want Him to change lives. I always expect my life to be changed as well but this time it was different. My heart was and still is so full because of the ways God changed me that week. Mainly though a small girl named Mirale. I don't know if it's right to say that one moment of impact changed my life that week but, I don't really care. It did. That one long hug, conversation and staring into the eyes of a broken 10 year old soul wrecked me. The definition of "Wrecked" is any building, structure or thing reduced to the state of ruin. That is what my heart felt as tears fell down my face and I felt her pain. I think for a moment God showed me a small fraction of the hurt He feels when his child hurts. It was something I didn't know how to handle any other way than to cry out to Jesus. When Mirale gave her heart to daddy God and said " I will never forget this day, I never thought it would come." I knew that statement was true for me as well. That one moment of impact was worth it. It was worth all of the fundraising, the stress and the faith put into going to Honduras that week. There were many other moments that made my week wonderful but that one beats them all. It was better than emceeing, laughing with friends, long bus rides, and anything else I could think of. God is so good. One thing my youth pastor always says is "I encourage EVERY teenager to go on a foreign missions trip before they graduate high school." and I completely agree. There is no excuse not to. Just do it. GO. You won't regret one second.
4. God knew what He was doing when He placed you in the family that you belong to.
I learned this summer that my family is the most valuable thing I have here on earth. I just love my family so much. My family is no where near perfect. We are a group of weirdos that love to make stupid jokes and scream at eachother. We also find it super fun to not plan things and never answer our phones. There may be many things I can complain about but, the good things definitely outweigh the bad. Growing up is hard because at moments I think that I am going to lose my family just like i'm going to lose so many friends. But, that's what is great. No matter where I go I know I can always come back home. (sorry, i know it's cheesy) I can always come home to my mama and give her slobbery kisses and cuddles. ( yup, I don't care how gross that sounds) I can always count on Makenzie to treat me like crap, laugh real hard with me and occasionally get into physical fights with me. I can always count on Mark to be there with his jokes, make us all mad and be the best step dad known to man. Ryan is always there to be my homie and secret keeper. (sometimes) and Blaine....I don't know how to describe him. Everyone knows that he is my favorite. (I don't love him anymore than the others though) He is my best friend, my twin and my strong army man always ready for battle. He loves his Jesus and occasionally says a curse word (no, I don't approve but i'm just being honest). My aunts, uncles and cousins too! My grandparents too. I can't explain it. Especially my Grama Lorie. That woman is for sure my best friend. I guess where I am going with this is that family is a good thing. I have had my ups and downs with each one of them but at the end of the day these are the people who i can count on to always pick me up. I love them more than anything.
5. Enjoy now.
One good thing to remember as you go through your day is the moments you are living right now will never be replicated. No matter what. I think a lot of the times and even now I focus on my future or my past. Those two things are out of reach. If you really think about it, tomorrow will never really happen because by the time it gets here you will be calling it today. Trippy right? I have begun to grasp the fact that everything I have right now, in this moment, will be different soon. Soon I will be off to college and living a life I can't even begin to imagine and the things I find comfort in will be far away. So, this summer (mainly in the last month) I have started to embrace everything. All the hugs and slobbery kisses from my most favorite man, Blaine. The gross "kisses" from my not so young puppy Phoebe. The laughs from my mama. The long talks with my best friend, Katie. The conversations with the person I love. Everything. Even down to packing my backpack tonight for my very last first day of school. It's all something worth taking in. Embrace the moments you live in now because they will never ever be there again. Sure, you can revisit the place that your first kiss, first laugh, last kiss or last laugh happened in. But, that moment is gone. A memory worth embracing.
6. Being vulnerable is beautiful.
This one is a tough one for me to write about. Since forever basically I remember being so guarded. In every relationship and friendship I have ever had I have always been afraid of being hurt. I couldn't fathom the idea of someone loving me simply for who I am, especially with the past I have and the mistakes I have made and make. I couldn't imagine ever having someone who would bring out the best in me and make me want to do better. I definitely couldn't imagine someone loving me enough to care, I mean GENUINELY care, about my feelings and emotions. I couldn't even imagine someone loving me for my personality, weirdness or anything besides my body, really. And one last thing I never imagined was that love would be a good thing. Other than love from family, God and basically only my best friend, I didn't really believe it was anything to get pumped about. Love is where being vulnerable comes in. Being in love or even just loving people means being vulnerable and downright honest. I never liked being vulnerable. But, this summer...I guess i'll just be honest and say I fell in love. Completely head over heels, 120%, makes you feel like a girl (cue Demi Lovato song) LOVE. It just so happened to be with someone who meets all of those standards I said I couldn't imagine. He's great. Some of you know who he is and some don't. For those who don't, i'm terribly sorry you don't have this awesome guy as a friend. Hopefully one day you'll meet him! :)
7. Taylor Swift is a tear-jerker.
Every single time I listen to "Never Grow Up" by the one and only T-Swift I cry. If I don't cry my eyes get watery and I can't speak because of the knot in my throat. I discovered that song this summer and it became my song to Blaine. Listen to it. Cry with me. haha, it's really a good song. But, trust me. If you are anything like me you will sob.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pOlOg6V-Is
8. Take a step of faith.
College. It's something that over my junior year I hated the idea of. Mind you, this was also my slacker year but still. I hated it and only wanted to be at the destination. The destination I had in mind was a cute little orphanage in the mountains of Guatemala raising my sons and daughters to be Godly people and to change their country. Yes, I still love that destination. I long for my destination. But, this summer God reminded me of the journey. The journey in between start and end. The journey that I so want to oversee and skip on by like it never existed. But, that's not how God works. I think God works in our hearts (or my heart) best during the journey. So, I guess I can say i'm kind of excited for the journey as long as Jesus is by my side the whole way. I think college is just a step that I must take. God is going to use those 3-4 years to change my heart more. I have faith in it. I have little or no faith in myself though. My steps are absolutely useless unless directed by Him. That's why I will listen.
So far I have applied at Oral Roberts university in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm pretty excited about it. Anxious is also a fabulous word to describe how I feel about it. I know that it's in my Daddy's hands though. He knows what He is doing.
9. Forgiveness
While I was in Honduras I received a text from my aunt telling me that my biological dad was released from prison. This my friends, was a complete shock to me. This is the same man who had been incarcerated since I was three years old. He also was released eight years early. I will be honest and say I was absolutely furious. I even had to take a moment alone and talk out loud to God saying something along the lines of "WHY?" and "Take this anger away because we have church tonight" lol. No one wants to be upset on a missions trip. I felt like a zombie for a few hours. I didn't know how to handle myself. I remember crying, literally sobbing, out to my Daddy in heaven that night during our group debriefing. I also remember giving my uncle Mingo, one of the biggest father figures I have, a big hug and trying not to cry. I didn't want to be vulnerable again. This man who the USA thought it would be okay to release had hurt me many many times. Never physically, just emotionally. We really never got along. A few weeks after coming home from Honduras I received Facebook messages every day and night from this man. He would apologize in almost every message. I still turned a cold shoulder on him. I thought " what has he done to deserve my forgiveness and my presence in his life?". Finally while sitting in an old van with a close friend talking about my real dad and telling about how pathetic these messages were my friend said something along the lines of "Maybe you should give him a chance if he is trying this hard." I don't know why I listened to this friend but that day I called Toby aka my dad. We of coarse did not get along. But, I forgave him. I forgave him for everything he had done. Now, we do get along. I can honestly say i'm glad to have him in my life. It's something that has been missing for the past 17 years. Dads are good things.
And last but not least...
10, Listen.
If I were dying and I had to give one last piece of advice before I took my last breath I would say something along the lines of this paragraph.
Listen to God. He always knows what He is doing. He loves you more than anyone else. He created your heart and knows what you love. He wants the best for you. He wants to be the lover of your soul. If you don't listen to Him you are going to die unhappy. Just do it. He loves you. Listen to that "still small voice" when your world is way too loud.
Listen to your parents. One thing that has always been a struggle for me. Growing up with a teen mom and everyone treating me like I was a grown adult at the age of four didn't teach me the best listening skills. But, It's worth taking the time to learn. Your parents also know you and want the best for you. They may sound SOOO dumb at times but in the end they will be right. If they happen to be wrong (which they probably never will be) NEVER say I told you so.
Listen to people. Proverbs basically says it over and over again. James 1:19 says "Know this my beloved brothers; let every person be QUICK TO HEAR, slow to speak and slow to anger." Seriously just shut up. I have to remind myself of this sooooo much. Just be quiet. You don't matter right now. Listen to people as they speak. Who knows you might be able to encourage them, or relieve their stress by being a listening ear. It's not your turn and when it is...PLEASE think before you speak. Idiots are no fun to listen to.
Well, there you have it. I could write about 10-15 more big things I learned this summer but I'm sure this was enough. This summer was the best one yet and I can only hope they get better from here. :)
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