Mommy.
Today was amazing. It feels so good to be home. Really, I feel like people may think that is such a weird statement because I was born and raised in Michigan but really, I feel at home here. My heart is so full.
I had a phenomenal day and I know tomorrow is going to be even better. I love it here, I love the people here, I love the mountains but there's one thing I can say I love in such a different way that I can't even begin to explain it.
PREFACE: I am about to get super transparent. Brace yourself.
Today I was reunited with my daughter. Nothing in the entire world could have made me happier. It may be super weird to some people that I call her that but I truthfully don't care one bit! haha. (transparent remember?) Really, I have said the story in my previous posts and it just continues.
We first got to the orphanage at about 8:10 this morning. We spent the morning with the younger kids, who don't attend school yet and just loved on them. This is also the same time I got to watch my best friend fall in love with a little girl as well, I did too haha but it blessed my heart so much to watch this go down. We hung out with a little girl named Sulmi all morning. She is such a sweetheart! Sulmi is 8 years old and she arrived at the orphanage about a week or so ago. She was brought to CANICA because her mother did not take care of her or her little brother so Sulmi was forced to do so all by herself. An 8 year old. She took care of her little brother completely. She made the food, changed him when needed and did all the thigns a mother should do. This breaks my heart beyond measure. We don't know for sure if she can stay at CANICA yet but we are praying so! It was so fun to be with her all morning. We got to paint her nails. This tore me apart. She took her socks and shoes off and placed her first foot in my hand. It was so rough and dry that her feet looked filthy. It felt painful and I was only feeling from the inside. After painting her toenails while Katie painted her fingernails I was super excited to put some lotion on those feet that have been through too much. Richard (The missionary that lives down here) told Katie and I that when Sulmi first arrived at CANICA you could practically scrape the dirt off of her feet and legs because she had never had shoes.
PAUSE: If you are reading this, take a moment to think about your feet. Think about the shoes you have. Thank God for them. Literally. It is something that we (including myself) take for granted far too often. You have coverings for your feet! SUCH A BLESSING! haha. Really though!
RESUME: It was such a blessing to be able to see the look on her face when that lotion went on. Wow. I love her a lot.
At noon the team walked down to the restaurant for lunch, which was yummmmmy! As we walked back to CANICA I realized the older kids, including all of my girls and my baby, were getting out of school and we (Katie and I) got to pick them up with my friend Iris! I was so excited.
We walked into the school and there she is. The most beautiful little girl ever, Alejandra. My baby. She jumped into my arms as she does every time we see each other. (only each time she is bigger haha) We held hands the entire way home and I guess you could say I was rejoicing. Rejoicing that love has no boundaries. Rejoicing that after a year she still looks at me the same. Rejoicing that I am allowed to take such a part in this little girls life.
Ale and I spent all afternoon together. She was on my hip the majority of the time giving me besitos (kisses). We had such a great time together. It started to rain as it got a little later and I was sitting in the kitchen with Sulmi when Ale comes running to me and shows me a piece of paper that says "Selina Te amo" and with her cute little voice reads it aloud quietly to me......This made me want to sob right then and there.
A little insight to saying I love you in spanish. There is about three ways. Te quiero, te encanto, and te amo. The first two are ways that you would say to a friend or even a boyfriend. Te amo is serious. It is the I love you that you say to someone you are madly in love with, sometimes to family but also something you say to your children. She said "Te amo"... This was also the first time she has said this. In the past it has always been te quiero.
I guess what I am getting at is, I really love my daughter. People say "You never know motherly love until you become one." but, I can say that I know a larger love. Jesus. He has given me a motherly love that allows me to understand a motherly love without bearing a child. (Wow, mouthful..sorry. Good thing you are reading this haha) I would lay down my life for Ale. I would do absolutely anything to keep her near me. I would give up anything. This love is wild.
It also drives me to frustration because having Ale in my life makes me want her there forever. I long to forever keep her safe from the world. My biggest desire is to be the mommy she never had. I would do anything to adopt this beautiful little girl. I really do. I can picture my life with her forever.
The odds are so against me though. I am 17, not married, haven't finished or started college, live in the united states and so many more....
I do know these things for sure though.
-I want to be a mommy so bad. Yeah, I know. That is totally gross, weird, awkward to hear from a 17 year old senior in high school...but really. I want to be one. It is truly a gift from God to be one. I cannot wait until that day. Especially if they are not biologically mine. Which is highly possible. Whether my daughter is Alejandra or someone completely different I cannot wait to give a selfless love. I want to lay down my everything for my babies. I want them to look at my husband and I and recognize the immense love that Christ has for them by the way we treat them,
-I certainly do want to be a missionary. That fact is quite self-explanatory.
-I really love Jesus. Even in my sobbing tonight caused by my love for my daughter, He reminds me that love is good. He is love. Even in my "sadness" He is still my joy. Hm.
-Also, hour by hour the idea of becoming a nurse makes so much more sense to me which is a beautiful thing. It is true healing. I was chatting with the other missionary here in San Marcos today about it and she said "It is a beautiful thing because you have two powers in your hand. You have the healing power of God and the healing power of the medical field." Yeah. I like that. I want to be able to tell people about Jesus while helping their physical body as well. This is still not decided on but i'm leaning for sure.
Honestly, it is also one of my desires so that i can be a better mom. Yeah, cheesy you may say but how wonderful would it be to be able to take care of my sick babies at home instead of rushing them to the hospital with fear. We don't do fear (speaking on behalf of my future family) Also, there is a hospital that we pass everyday on the way to the restaurant and the idea of working in a third world country in such an atmosphere makes my heart leap.
Back to the days story...haha. We had dinner at 5 pm and I fell out of my chair so that was cool bahahahaha. Only me, I am such a clutz but hey! what is life without laughter and embarrassment lol. After dinner Katie and I had to go to what we thought was going to be worship practice for her. ONLY HER. Katie Mears. Not me.....We got there and she started to play and before we knew it we were on stage..I had a mic and she was holding a guitar. So tomorrow I am singing backup vocals for 6 song and Katie is playing. Not the plan and totally out of our comfort zones. This will be fun. ;)
I hope you enjoyed my ramblings from Guatemala. It is now 11:11 and I am basically asleep so, buena noches mis amigos. :) Te quiero mucho!
This is my love! Alejandra :)
This is the beautiful Sulmi! :)
I had a phenomenal day and I know tomorrow is going to be even better. I love it here, I love the people here, I love the mountains but there's one thing I can say I love in such a different way that I can't even begin to explain it.
PREFACE: I am about to get super transparent. Brace yourself.
Today I was reunited with my daughter. Nothing in the entire world could have made me happier. It may be super weird to some people that I call her that but I truthfully don't care one bit! haha. (transparent remember?) Really, I have said the story in my previous posts and it just continues.
We first got to the orphanage at about 8:10 this morning. We spent the morning with the younger kids, who don't attend school yet and just loved on them. This is also the same time I got to watch my best friend fall in love with a little girl as well, I did too haha but it blessed my heart so much to watch this go down. We hung out with a little girl named Sulmi all morning. She is such a sweetheart! Sulmi is 8 years old and she arrived at the orphanage about a week or so ago. She was brought to CANICA because her mother did not take care of her or her little brother so Sulmi was forced to do so all by herself. An 8 year old. She took care of her little brother completely. She made the food, changed him when needed and did all the thigns a mother should do. This breaks my heart beyond measure. We don't know for sure if she can stay at CANICA yet but we are praying so! It was so fun to be with her all morning. We got to paint her nails. This tore me apart. She took her socks and shoes off and placed her first foot in my hand. It was so rough and dry that her feet looked filthy. It felt painful and I was only feeling from the inside. After painting her toenails while Katie painted her fingernails I was super excited to put some lotion on those feet that have been through too much. Richard (The missionary that lives down here) told Katie and I that when Sulmi first arrived at CANICA you could practically scrape the dirt off of her feet and legs because she had never had shoes.
PAUSE: If you are reading this, take a moment to think about your feet. Think about the shoes you have. Thank God for them. Literally. It is something that we (including myself) take for granted far too often. You have coverings for your feet! SUCH A BLESSING! haha. Really though!
RESUME: It was such a blessing to be able to see the look on her face when that lotion went on. Wow. I love her a lot.
At noon the team walked down to the restaurant for lunch, which was yummmmmy! As we walked back to CANICA I realized the older kids, including all of my girls and my baby, were getting out of school and we (Katie and I) got to pick them up with my friend Iris! I was so excited.
We walked into the school and there she is. The most beautiful little girl ever, Alejandra. My baby. She jumped into my arms as she does every time we see each other. (only each time she is bigger haha) We held hands the entire way home and I guess you could say I was rejoicing. Rejoicing that love has no boundaries. Rejoicing that after a year she still looks at me the same. Rejoicing that I am allowed to take such a part in this little girls life.
Ale and I spent all afternoon together. She was on my hip the majority of the time giving me besitos (kisses). We had such a great time together. It started to rain as it got a little later and I was sitting in the kitchen with Sulmi when Ale comes running to me and shows me a piece of paper that says "Selina Te amo" and with her cute little voice reads it aloud quietly to me......This made me want to sob right then and there.
A little insight to saying I love you in spanish. There is about three ways. Te quiero, te encanto, and te amo. The first two are ways that you would say to a friend or even a boyfriend. Te amo is serious. It is the I love you that you say to someone you are madly in love with, sometimes to family but also something you say to your children. She said "Te amo"... This was also the first time she has said this. In the past it has always been te quiero.
I guess what I am getting at is, I really love my daughter. People say "You never know motherly love until you become one." but, I can say that I know a larger love. Jesus. He has given me a motherly love that allows me to understand a motherly love without bearing a child. (Wow, mouthful..sorry. Good thing you are reading this haha) I would lay down my life for Ale. I would do absolutely anything to keep her near me. I would give up anything. This love is wild.
It also drives me to frustration because having Ale in my life makes me want her there forever. I long to forever keep her safe from the world. My biggest desire is to be the mommy she never had. I would do anything to adopt this beautiful little girl. I really do. I can picture my life with her forever.
The odds are so against me though. I am 17, not married, haven't finished or started college, live in the united states and so many more....
I do know these things for sure though.
-I want to be a mommy so bad. Yeah, I know. That is totally gross, weird, awkward to hear from a 17 year old senior in high school...but really. I want to be one. It is truly a gift from God to be one. I cannot wait until that day. Especially if they are not biologically mine. Which is highly possible. Whether my daughter is Alejandra or someone completely different I cannot wait to give a selfless love. I want to lay down my everything for my babies. I want them to look at my husband and I and recognize the immense love that Christ has for them by the way we treat them,
-I certainly do want to be a missionary. That fact is quite self-explanatory.
-I really love Jesus. Even in my sobbing tonight caused by my love for my daughter, He reminds me that love is good. He is love. Even in my "sadness" He is still my joy. Hm.
-Also, hour by hour the idea of becoming a nurse makes so much more sense to me which is a beautiful thing. It is true healing. I was chatting with the other missionary here in San Marcos today about it and she said "It is a beautiful thing because you have two powers in your hand. You have the healing power of God and the healing power of the medical field." Yeah. I like that. I want to be able to tell people about Jesus while helping their physical body as well. This is still not decided on but i'm leaning for sure.
Honestly, it is also one of my desires so that i can be a better mom. Yeah, cheesy you may say but how wonderful would it be to be able to take care of my sick babies at home instead of rushing them to the hospital with fear. We don't do fear (speaking on behalf of my future family) Also, there is a hospital that we pass everyday on the way to the restaurant and the idea of working in a third world country in such an atmosphere makes my heart leap.
Back to the days story...haha. We had dinner at 5 pm and I fell out of my chair so that was cool bahahahaha. Only me, I am such a clutz but hey! what is life without laughter and embarrassment lol. After dinner Katie and I had to go to what we thought was going to be worship practice for her. ONLY HER. Katie Mears. Not me.....We got there and she started to play and before we knew it we were on stage..I had a mic and she was holding a guitar. So tomorrow I am singing backup vocals for 6 song and Katie is playing. Not the plan and totally out of our comfort zones. This will be fun. ;)
I hope you enjoyed my ramblings from Guatemala. It is now 11:11 and I am basically asleep so, buena noches mis amigos. :) Te quiero mucho!
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