Not mine, but His.

 Week One

                Today marks the end of my first week here in San Marcos, Guatemala at CANICA. I can honestly say that up until Sunday of last week that I felt so lost. I felt like the only thing I knew about myself was my name and the fact that my trust is in the Lord but past that, I felt as if I knew nothing. Losing my papa has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my short life. I wouldn’t wish that my family and I have felt on my worst enemy. Not only did I lose my papa but through my decision to stay here in Guatemala, caused by difficulty to get to the city and gut-feeling, came some tension with some of my family. All this to say, being here in Guatemala while my family goes through the same pain that I have has been the hardest test of faith, endurance and strength that I have ever went through.

                I guess in a way, compared to this, my faith has never been tested. Yeah, I have had kids at school call me a “bible thumper” or say that my God is dead but never have I been tested by myself. Those kind of tests are easy to get over, they are the kinds of test that you just say to yourself “okay. I am blessed when persecuted…they hated Him first…” and move on with your day. But, this test comes from within. Death is a test that makes you question everything that you have believed in your entire life. I have ran through the questions of             “Is Heaven real?” “Is my Papa there with Jesus?” “Why so young?” and many more and have questioned myself of why I even ask those questions. I also had the biggest question of all and it was “Why?” “Why did God send me here if He knew this would happen?”  And most of all, “WHY DID I HAVE TO STAY?”

I wrestled with this question a lot as I felt like God just wanted me to stay, He said “There’s a reason.” And I replied….”I need to know now.”

I went through this process for a week as I cried my eyes out and mourned the death of my papa and felt sorrow with the status of my relationships back home and Jesus continued to remind me of Luke 9. The entire chapter. He reminded me that He had a purpose, He knew the purpose and that He just said “stay.”

So, obviously, I chose to stay. Alongside major difficulties of transportation that came along with it being a holiday I had to tell my family that I would not be there for the funeral. Aka, another one of the hardest tasks of my entire life.

Last Sunday, the fourth of January, I walked into CANICA and it all made sense. I felt like Selina Adrianna Torres Pohl Miller (whatever you call me) again. I felt whole. As the kids poured out of every corner in the place yelling my name and giving me huge hugs and kisses, I remembered why I came, I realized why I had to stay, and I remembered why I love this place. Since last Sunday, I can’t say that I have been absolutely filled with happiness. Joy, yes. But, I have moments of sadness that typically come at night or in the early morning. I miss my papa. I miss my family. I miss my mommy. But, God comforts me. I sound like a crazy woman when I say this but Jesus even gave me a dream in which I woke up bawling from but gave me the best comfort I could have asked for. I know that my papa is with Jesus, I also know he is so beautiful now. I know I don’t have to worry and carry the world of sorrow on my shoulders. When those mornings and nights come, which they do almost every day, I may cry and feel that sorrow but I know that Jesus is good. HE has a reason for all of this. HE has a reason for my distance in a time of distress, HE has a reason for my papa being so young and HE has a reason for my life.

                I do miss my family, and I think that might be the hardest right now and I cannot wait to give them big hugs and cry alongside them. But for now, for the next two weeks, I get to give hugs and pray with some little kids who don’t have families. This past week, we brought a little girl named Brenda home. She was taken from her parents because her dad would beat her very badly. She has two large scars on her tummy from it and when I asked about the scar on her finger she said that her dad had tried to cut her finger off. I literally almost cried right there from hearing about so much evil. I had decided to bring Brenda home because the day prior I found her crying her eyes out in front of CANICA. I went over to her and asked what was wrong and she just looked at me with her big brown eyes and said “I miss my mama.” I couldn't help but pick the little girl up, sit on a bench with her and tell her of how I missed my mama too and that one day everything would be alright. We talked about how even when everything seems wrong we have to put our faith in Jesus and I told her that is how I am getting through missing my mama. I asked her to tell me the story of her family and all she said was that her dad would hit her constantly and hard and her mother wouldn't hit her but she would almost be worse and not stand up for her daughter. She would witness the beating and say nothing, which in my eyes is just as bad. I realized in that moment again why I am here. I could connect with little Brenda and pray with her. The night she came home with us was a blast. We asked her what she wanted to eat and gave her any option. She could have chicken, Pollo Compero (a very famous food chain), pizza, etc. She said “Huevos y helado”……What? Hahah. I was so confused that this little girl, given so many options wanted only eggs and ice cream for dinner but that is what she wanted and that is what she had. We watched three movies and she slept in my bed alongside me. Now, here I have a queen sized bed with plenty of room for two and she slept maybe two inches from me. It was right before I fell asleep that my heart broke. Brenda had been dozing off and fallen asleep, she suddenly woke up and said “Selina, all I want is to live in your house with you.” I replied “I wish that too, Brenda.” As she fell asleep with her arm around me I just prayed that God would place her in a home that would care for her like no other and protect her from the evil in the world.

Kids like Brenda are the reasons I am here.

It is not by mistake that I am here.

It is not by MY choice that I am here.

It is by God’s will that I am here.

There are so many other stories of this week that I could tell but I will end this by saying one of my favorite verses that I have been dwelling on like no other and trying to memorize in Spanish these past two weeks,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

There is a reason for everything. It’s not up to our understanding to figure that reason out.