Late Post Because Life

Feelings
I remember being nervous over a month ago about coming. I was nervous about being away from home, flying alone, being with a boy I like, being with the kids for so long, Jesus changing my life and most of all, I was nervous about coming back. Now that I am currently experiencing the last worry, I understand why that was my biggest one. I was so nervous about coming and now, the meat thought of stepping off the plane to rejoin my "normal" society makes me cry. I have been sucking all my tears in today and yesterday as I said goodbye to my beautiful kids at CANICA, the family that helped me get around here and last but not least my incredible boyfriend. It's been two days full of "goodbyes" and I know they are actually "see you soons" but that fact doesn't make these next few months easier. 
I don't completely understand this past month yet. I am not sure if I will any time soon. All I know is that this has been the best month of my life so far. 
Before leaving DTW on a Monday morning last month, I texted my best friend "this is going to be the best month of my entire life. I can feel it in my bones." Little did I know the best month of my life would begin with the news of my papas passing that same morning that I made that daring prediction. I tried to get home, yes people will say I didn't but the beautiful thing is, people say a lot of things and don't always know everything. I cried more than I ever have in my entire life in that first week. There was a point where my boyfriend literally had wiped my snot that was dripping from my face (you're welcome for that visual). I said things about Jesus that I never ever would mean and felt feelings about my life and life in general that I have never and do not ever desire to feel again. 
Even as I was on my way to my most favorite place in the world, CANICA, I couldn't see past my pain. I wanted to be home and was confused as to why Jesus told me to stay.. But I live my life for HIM, when He says stay.. I have no choice other than to stay. So, I did. 
Jesus has taught me more in this month that ever in my entire life. I have learned what it feels like to be completely reliant on Him for your joy, strength and peace for the minute and day. Jesus gave me dreams, yeah like the ones at night, that were out of my control and wilder than I could have ever imagined. He gave me words that brought peace. He comforted me and held me, and that is how I got through.
 There are so many things I've learned this month and a lot of them, I don't even have the strength to write right now because I'm quite tired of crying and of being awake on this travel filled day. Hopefully, I can share them with my family and friends over the next few weeks, months and years. 
There are a few things I'm certain of though, this month Jesus stretched me and gave me dreams for those kids and the kids that are in my future. He didn't change my dreams but expanded them and stretched them. Also, my heart for Guatemala is larger now and my the last days I wanted nothing more than to extend my trip and hug my loves for a few days longer. But, patience is a virtue I have learned. 
So for now, I'm sitting on a plane on the way to Detroit, Michigan to step back into the cold, literally cold, reality. I know it won't be long until I am able to hug them again. Until then, Jesus will sustain me and my emotional train wreck that is sure to come with the next few days and weeks.
When I am strong, He is good.
When I am weak, He is good. 
All the time, He is GOOD. 

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