Crazy Requests.


"I just want you wreck me this month. Tear me apart limb by limb until I get it. Wreck me so I have no other desire apart from you."

The above quote is a little snip-it from a journal entry I wrote on January 3rd, 2015.

Here's the deal. I enjoy being real. I am not a fan of sugar coating or beating around the bush. I don't enjoy doing this with people in my life and I especially do not like doing it with Jesus. After all, He is my absolute best friend and my daddy. He is all I have ever known. I cannot afford to sugar coat with him, so our conversations include many things. Sometimes they include tears and screaming, cussing in frustration, laughter from joy and the occasional phrase that I love, which is: "Let's kick Satan in the balls today."
As much as I enjoy being super real with Jesus, I don't think I was 100 percent real with him until this January, when I felt like my world was crashing down. I did not know what else to pray. I am aware that the quote at the beginning of this post is quote graphic. I mean, if you take it literally.
When I got off my airplane on December 29th, 2014, I never could have guessed what would happen in a matter of hours. If you would have asked me that morning I would have told you (like I told Katie, my best friend) that I was prepared for the best month of my life and that I would get off, see the boy I liked so much, and in just a few days reunite with the kids that my heart is always missing. But, Jesus had a different plan.
I spent the entire month saying that I had nothing left. There was no more Selina left, but just some shell of a body that this happy girl once lived in. I felt so empty at first but over the next few months and even while I was in Guatemala, I found comfort in this.
I started to pray like the above quote.
I realized that Jesus can only use me the most when I am completely dead. When I am at the end of myself, that is when HE is exalted. He is exalted through this because that is when I can no longer say "look what I did!" but I am left only saying "There is no way I could have done that, look how great God is."

One of my favorite songs is Oceans.
..yes, I am aware that you have heard this song probably 5000 times. But, it is good. It is so good if you are serious about serving Jesus.

"Spirit lead me where my feet could never wander."

Those lyrics are some that I have sung over and over at the top of my lungs. I have prayed that crazy request more times than I can remember and I can tell you this, Jesus will answer that prayer.

 He answered that request for me and the one I have shared from my journal and so many more. That prayer is one that I will continue to pray because I want to live a life of abandonment for my king. I want to be at the end of myself for the rest of my days.
This is not to say that I do not want joy and happiness from God, I do. But, I want to be completely susceptible to what He speaks to me.

Jesus calls us to be dead men and women for his cause. He calls us to be surrendered. He calls us to be okay with the things he is doing in our lives even (especially) when we do not understand. He calls us to obey when we don't see the future. He calls us to find peace in him when we are fearful. He calls for every single second, every moment and every breath of your life to be laid down to him.

Let's strive for this.
What are you willing to surrender for the gospel?
What are you willing to suffer through to be in a relationship with Jesus?
How are you willing to feel so that he can use you?

"When you give abandonment to God, you will be the most surprised and delighted creature."
-Oswald Chambers

Read Luke 9 today, it's super good and challenging.
Would you turn away like the man with the desire to bury his father?




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

10 things that I know to be true.

Image
An actual MRI photo of my cerebrum at its' current state.  Sarah Kay, a famous poet known for her spoken word, suggests doing an exercise when you feel a little lost in the heaviness of life. She says to write down "three things that I know to be true" in order to be guided back to reality a little bit. This is an exercise she uses for poetry students in order to get their creative juices cranking and to show how these three things can show a commonality throughout the human race. No matter what you write or feel, most of the time we can trust that someone can relate to at least a few.  So, I am nearing the end of my junior year of college. That means one and a half more years until I am officially a college graduate with a bachelor's degree with my bright eyes looking toward a medical school. This thought fills my bones with anxiety and a shivering fear of the unknown, yet a weird sense of excitement. As I walk through my day-to-day life, my overly emotional s...
Read more

How the Enneagram has helped me

Image
I often say that the early 20s are some of the most confusing years of a person's life. For me, it has been a constant state of struggling to figure out how to answer the question, “tell me about yourself” when meeting new people or interviewing for a job. Just when I think I have my identity figured out, I discover more about myself that I hadn’t understood before - sometimes that’s me processing the past or evolving into the adult version of “me”. As I find myself changing, I also grapple with the idea of losing the “old me” - how can this be possible? I am me, and that’s that. Attempting to understand your identity is complex.  A visual of me trying to figure out my identity (2017) Image courtesy Giphy What identifies us anyway? I have wrestled with this question time and time again. In the US, we often answer questions about ourselves with our profession or something we “do”. But, does this really identify us? I have always had a small issue with this concept of identification....
Read more

Summer 2013

To sum this summer up in a measly blog post would  not begin to touch the impact these last few months have had on my heart. I think it is safe to say that God completely changed my life this summer. Completely is a big word, yes. I think in the beginning of June I didn't know what to expect. I was finishing the hardest year of high school and was not doing so fabulous. I knew that I had three "Vacations" in store for the summer but, in all honesty I didn't know how my heart would be after all of them. I learned so much this summer. Here's a few key things that I can honestly say God reminded/taught me this summer: 1. God is GOOD. He is always good. There is no bad part of Him. He is always the provider and He always loves. This summer I found His love once again. His perfect never failing love surrounded me as I was away from home, in a foreign country and especially in these last few weeks where I just don't know what the next step will be. If you haven...
Read more