College.
Last night I was looking at old photos on Facebook and I realized that there was this button that allowed me to see all of the photos from my old phones that I had uploaded to the app. I clicked on it and a few hours later was able to go through memory lane. A few hundred photos of moments that I had stored away and forgotten about allowed memories to come rushing in. Most of the photos were from my junior and senior year of high school. This time period was one of immense joy, but hard struggles. It was the beginning of a struggle to get along with my family, hard decisions regarding college, a few break-ups, and the usual teenage confusions. I often remember this time as the time period in which I took Christ more seriously and dared not to stray.
I thought I knew quite a bit when I was 17. Looking back at pictures, I don't think I knew anything. What a surprise! People often told me that I was "wise beyond my years," but praise the Lord that I didn't stop there.
When I was 16, my journey to college began. My junior year is when the "college talk" started. I knew for certain that I wanted one thing - I wanted to move to Guatemala and work at CANICA. There were no doubts in my heart that I would be used there and that it would be a good move. My mom wouldn't have it. I offered up the idea of going to Spring Arbor University in Michigan, wrote it on a few school projects as my dream school, then had a meeting with a admissions counselor. My plan was simple, I would do X,Y, & Z to pacify my family and then end up going to Guatemala anyway.
The Lord had other plans.
During the summer between junior and senior year, I went to Honduras on a mission trip. It was phenomenal. I enjoyed each moment that I was able to be used by the Lord and along the way, I became closer with a cute boy that I had a huge crush on. He loved the Lord and missions - so...OBVIOUSLY, we were a match made in Heaven. We started dating in "secret" that summer and he was headed to Oral Roberts University in Tulsa in August.
I thought I could figure out the answer to both of my problems - I would go to ORU as well. My family would be happy that I decided on actually going to college and I would be able to be with my new boyfriend. I definitely felt like the way things had "fallen into place" was a sign from the Lord and that I would follow. That November I traveled to ORU with my incredibly gracious and giving grandparents (who still mention this silliness today, haha!) for a scholarship interview. I decided that if I received the full amount, I would attend ORU. If not, I wouldn't.
The day of my interview came and I hadn't heard from my boyfriend at the time. I was so confused as to why this kind boy wouldn't have wished me "good luck" or called me. In the afternoon, I found out why. The night prior he had a "2.5-hour phone call" with his parents that marked "the worst night of his college career" and later that day, he broke up with me. I didn't shed a single tear, mainly because I was so confused and internally shouting, "JESUS, WUT!?"
I went home and a week or so later found out that I didn't get the full scholarship. I was confused and frustrated but decided that I would continue to pursue ORU because of their fierce love for missions and ministry. If I were to be a full-time missionary in Guatemala, why not pursue a nursing program that was surrounded by a school that loved missions?
Amidst this journey, my good friend and campus life director mentioned Huntington University to me. He wasn't pushy, but told me that there was a chance I would qualify for a full-tuition, debt-free, seriously no strings attached scholarship - I refused.
The Lord had other plans.
If you are familiar with previous blogs, you know that I refused up until less than a week before my interview at HU. I was in my bed reading my Bible and I felt like the Lord prompted me to ask my CL director about "That Huntington thing" and it just so happened that despite my incredible lateness (months past the deadline) that they invited me to apply for the school, the scholarship, and attend the interview day. I went as if I had nothing to lose.
I think it was about a week and a half later, I got a call that brought me to tears. I was chosen for a five-year, full-ride scholarship to Huntington University. 10 seconds before that call, I was indifferent about HU. I thought it was a good option, but not my first choice.
Oh boy, The Lord had other plans.
Here I am in my room at Huntington University, 82 days away from graduation, and I could not be more thankful that the one who created the universe has a plan for my life. This journey of ups and downs has taught me hundreds of things, but one overarching theme lesson is always - Jesus cares, He sees, and He's got this (internally singing the theme song to George Lopez)!
I often think of what my life would be like if I let my pride and stubbornness dictate my decisions. I would be such a different person in such a different place. I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't be graduating in 82 days with a History degree that I am more than proud of, I wouldn't be marrying my best friend in a few months, and I wouldn't have learned so much about the Lord.
We often think that we know what's best for our lives. We think that because we are the ones doing it, that we have the free range to make our own choices and end up in an awesome place. Don't get me wrong, I think that I could have made the choices I wanted to and ended up somewhere "sub-par," but the Lord knows me better than I know myself. He aligned the stars in the universe and calls them by name, but more importantly - He calls us by name.
I sometimes imagine how patient the Lord is and how frustrated He must have gotten with me along this journey. Even at my time at HU, I have stupid moments and times in which I let my confusion cloud my vision. My vision has and Lord-willing will always be to serve, but my pride is loud.
It wasn't until this summer, my last summer of undergrad, that I think things started to click. I came home from school and felt so lost. I desperately wanted Jesus. I wanted to feel that zeal that I had so prevalent in my life during my tough times of high school. I wanted Christ's love to radiate out of me once more. I struggled so much in my biology major classes that I felt no hope. I had such confusion in my relationship that I felt an end coming. I was seriously confused and seriously desperate for change.
A few nights after my semester ended, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up and I had decided that I would spend my summer seriously devoted to Christ. I wanted to "rekindle that fire" between us. I also resolved that the summer would be spent in prayer about dropping my biology major.
I thought I knew quite a bit when I was 17. Looking back at pictures, I don't think I knew anything. What a surprise! People often told me that I was "wise beyond my years," but praise the Lord that I didn't stop there.
When I was 16, my journey to college began. My junior year is when the "college talk" started. I knew for certain that I wanted one thing - I wanted to move to Guatemala and work at CANICA. There were no doubts in my heart that I would be used there and that it would be a good move. My mom wouldn't have it. I offered up the idea of going to Spring Arbor University in Michigan, wrote it on a few school projects as my dream school, then had a meeting with a admissions counselor. My plan was simple, I would do X,Y, & Z to pacify my family and then end up going to Guatemala anyway.
The Lord had other plans.
During the summer between junior and senior year, I went to Honduras on a mission trip. It was phenomenal. I enjoyed each moment that I was able to be used by the Lord and along the way, I became closer with a cute boy that I had a huge crush on. He loved the Lord and missions - so...OBVIOUSLY, we were a match made in Heaven. We started dating in "secret" that summer and he was headed to Oral Roberts University in Tulsa in August.
I thought I could figure out the answer to both of my problems - I would go to ORU as well. My family would be happy that I decided on actually going to college and I would be able to be with my new boyfriend. I definitely felt like the way things had "fallen into place" was a sign from the Lord and that I would follow. That November I traveled to ORU with my incredibly gracious and giving grandparents (who still mention this silliness today, haha!) for a scholarship interview. I decided that if I received the full amount, I would attend ORU. If not, I wouldn't.
The day of my interview came and I hadn't heard from my boyfriend at the time. I was so confused as to why this kind boy wouldn't have wished me "good luck" or called me. In the afternoon, I found out why. The night prior he had a "2.5-hour phone call" with his parents that marked "the worst night of his college career" and later that day, he broke up with me. I didn't shed a single tear, mainly because I was so confused and internally shouting, "JESUS, WUT!?"
I went home and a week or so later found out that I didn't get the full scholarship. I was confused and frustrated but decided that I would continue to pursue ORU because of their fierce love for missions and ministry. If I were to be a full-time missionary in Guatemala, why not pursue a nursing program that was surrounded by a school that loved missions?
Amidst this journey, my good friend and campus life director mentioned Huntington University to me. He wasn't pushy, but told me that there was a chance I would qualify for a full-tuition, debt-free, seriously no strings attached scholarship - I refused.
The Lord had other plans.
If you are familiar with previous blogs, you know that I refused up until less than a week before my interview at HU. I was in my bed reading my Bible and I felt like the Lord prompted me to ask my CL director about "That Huntington thing" and it just so happened that despite my incredible lateness (months past the deadline) that they invited me to apply for the school, the scholarship, and attend the interview day. I went as if I had nothing to lose.
I think it was about a week and a half later, I got a call that brought me to tears. I was chosen for a five-year, full-ride scholarship to Huntington University. 10 seconds before that call, I was indifferent about HU. I thought it was a good option, but not my first choice.
Oh boy, The Lord had other plans.
Here I am in my room at Huntington University, 82 days away from graduation, and I could not be more thankful that the one who created the universe has a plan for my life. This journey of ups and downs has taught me hundreds of things, but one overarching theme lesson is always - Jesus cares, He sees, and He's got this (internally singing the theme song to George Lopez)!
I often think of what my life would be like if I let my pride and stubbornness dictate my decisions. I would be such a different person in such a different place. I can almost guarantee that I wouldn't be graduating in 82 days with a History degree that I am more than proud of, I wouldn't be marrying my best friend in a few months, and I wouldn't have learned so much about the Lord.
We often think that we know what's best for our lives. We think that because we are the ones doing it, that we have the free range to make our own choices and end up in an awesome place. Don't get me wrong, I think that I could have made the choices I wanted to and ended up somewhere "sub-par," but the Lord knows me better than I know myself. He aligned the stars in the universe and calls them by name, but more importantly - He calls us by name.
I sometimes imagine how patient the Lord is and how frustrated He must have gotten with me along this journey. Even at my time at HU, I have stupid moments and times in which I let my confusion cloud my vision. My vision has and Lord-willing will always be to serve, but my pride is loud.
It wasn't until this summer, my last summer of undergrad, that I think things started to click. I came home from school and felt so lost. I desperately wanted Jesus. I wanted to feel that zeal that I had so prevalent in my life during my tough times of high school. I wanted Christ's love to radiate out of me once more. I struggled so much in my biology major classes that I felt no hope. I had such confusion in my relationship that I felt an end coming. I was seriously confused and seriously desperate for change.
A few nights after my semester ended, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up and I had decided that I would spend my summer seriously devoted to Christ. I wanted to "rekindle that fire" between us. I also resolved that the summer would be spent in prayer about dropping my biology major.
James 4:8-10 is a good way to sum up last summer. I really enjoy how the Message puts this:
So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet. (MSG)
Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. (NLT)
The summer of 2017 was transformative for me. I came out of it with a new outlook on life and a new devotion to Christ. In June, I was introduced to my current fiancé. In July, I turned 21 and got a new tattoo to remind me of the importance of purity and devotion to Christ. In August, I dropped the major that had drained the life out of me and decided to wholeheartedly chase the one I loved (luckily I had been a double major 😉).
When I recognized that the Lord gives me the free range to make my own decisions and build my life on the things that I want - I was okay. When I recognized that my decisions are futile and that HIS plans are so much more beautiful - I was liberated.
Now, I am 82 days away from getting my degree and moving onto the next step in life. These new decisions have been easier because my reliance and trust resides in the Lord, not myself.
It's seriously the best and most joyful way to live.
The most fun part of my story is that it's so far from over, but also that I am not alone. The Lord cares so deeply for His children. He wants to badly to liberate us and allow us to bask in His joy. When the joy of the Lord becomes our strength, we are much more suited to be vessels of love for Him.
If you are having a ton of life confusion or are stuck in a tough place, the advice I give seems "a lot easier said than done," but I promise it's so worth it. Get on your knees and cry out to Jesus. Let go of the things that you feel hinder your relationship with Him and move full force into a relationship with Jesus. He is so good and loves you so much.
Originally published in March 2017.
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